Now that Frank Loesser’s holiday classic “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” originally performed by Esther Williams and Ricardo Montalbán in MGM’s Neptune’s Daughter in 1949, has been banned because it promotes date rape, it is time for a long overdue yuletide musical reckoning. Like it or not, we must admit that many of the most beloved Christmas carols, including traditional hymns, encourage sickeningly immoral behavior, especially when viewed in the luminous light of our modern, highly evolved social standards.
‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ is merely the tip (and forgive me, I do not mean to offend anyone with the word “tip,” which I use here only in the loosest possible sense, and for which I sincerely apologize) of the proverbial iceberg.
WDOK Christmas 102.1 in Cleveland was absolutely right to ban the song. Its disturbingly ribald content is so vile that it was sung as recently as 2014 by Michael Bublé and Idina Menzel for a revoltingly perverse video featuring an underage boy and girl that generated over 36 million views. Disgusting!
Desiray, a host at WDOK, explained why she supported the ban of the song: “People might say, ‘oh, enough with that #MeToo,’ but if you really put that aside and listen to the lyrics, it’s not something I would want my daughter to be in that kind of situation. The tune might be catchy, but let’s not promote that sort of idea.”
Exactly right! Just because a song is catchy, highly entertaining and great fun to listen to does not mean that it should be heard and enjoyed. Before clearing a holiday song for broadcast, radio station Program Directors must first do their due diligence by interpreting and evaluating it with current contemporary moral sensitivities.
It is with that in mind that I humbly offer the following list of Christmas songs, which in the interests of total decency, equality and sensitivity, must no longer be played. As a public service, I have provided irrefutable reasons explaining the outrageous offensiveness of each song.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
In a country in which over half of marriages end in divorce, this Christmas ditty, written by Tommie Connor in 1952, blatantly celebrates infidelity and sexual depravity. An underage child sees “mommy kissing Santa Claus,” and then what? We can only imagine. The emotional pain and suffering this song understandably causes Mrs. Claus is reason enough to forbid it from airplay. But when you consider that it suggests sexual intercourse, and perhaps even sodomy, it is hard to believe that it was ever cleared for broadcast.
The idea that the most possible festive Christmas is white is, at its core, racist. Need we be reminded that the Ku Klux Klan wore white? In the light of Black Lives Matter, Irving Berlin’s unsettling lyric, “may all your Christmases be white,” is exclusionary to African Americans and all people of color. I myself am dreaming of an ethnically-diverse, multi-racial Christmas, and so should you.
“The Christmas Song“
Composed by Mel Tormé and Bob Wells in 1945, this ugly holiday carol unapologetically advocates the slaughter of innocent turkeys. In response to the lyric, “Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright,” one can only ask: Was the turkey free-range organic, or fed hormones before being brutally murdered at a factory farm? And free-range organic or not, the idea of eating a bird is repulsive to vegetarians. At the very least, there should be an alternate version of the song with the lyric, “Everybody knows Tofurkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright.”
“Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!”
With complete and callous disregard for municipalities and the impact of snow on sanitation crews, this radical song celebrates dangerous weather that often results in gruesome accidents and deaths. The song also fails to consider the soaring costs of snow removal, which in New York City is an estimated $1.8 million per inch. “Let it snow” may have been an innocent wish when the song was written by Julie Styne and Sammy Cahn in 1945, however it can now be regarded as only a tone-deaf call for black ice and the frantic hoarding of bread and milk.
“Deck The Halls”
The once universally beloved Christmas classic should serve as a reminder to us that the true meaning of holiday songs shift over time. Since 1862, “Deck the Halls” has been widely regarded as a sincere call to good cheer. However, given the rise of the radical homosexual agenda, “don we now our gay apparel” may now only be interpreted as an unapologetic encouragement to dress in sadomasochistic leatherwear in preparation for bondage and whippings in queer dungeons. Even the seemingly innocent “fa la la la las” take on a troubling new meaning when viewed in this context.
“Run Run Rudolph”
One of the writers of this unsettlingly dark song, popularized by Chuck Berry in 1958, was Johnny Marks, who also wrote “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Marks clearly hated reindeer and wrote about these magnificent creatures as freakish outcasts and mistreated beasts of burden. In “Run Run Rudolph,” Santa Claus cruelly pushes Rudolph to his limit and beyond, demanding that he “hurry” across the sky merely because he (Santa) is “reelin’ like a merry-go-round.” I have sent the song to PETA for further review and comment.
“The Little Drummer Boy”
In 1941, just three years after Congress finally ratified a law prohibiting child labor, American composer Katherine Kennicott Davis wrote this chilling song with its stomach-churning first line, sung by a poor boy, “Come they told me.” The lyrics go on to detail how the child was forced to play a drum for an undetermined period of time in unsanitary conditions for no pay. This song’s graphically bleak imagery certainly has no place on modern radio.
“Frosty The Snow Man”
This macabre telling of the slow, torturous demise of a jolly snowman may be fine for adults, though it is without question inappropriate for children. The repeated “thumpety thump thumps” may frighten young minds and inspire nightmares of death caused by melting.
“O Come All Ye Faithfull”
The reasons for banning this song are so blatantly obvious, I won’t even bother stating them.