I think my strongest asset as a comedy writer, maybe by far, is my funny temperament. I have a very funny temperament. In fact, I have such a funny temperament, I could probably shoot someone on Fifth Ave and you would still find me funny. You know who doesn't find me funny? Nazis.
There are a lot of very unfunny people out there. For example, when Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their funniest. George Lopez is already here. They're sending some really unfunny hombres: rapists, drug dealers and, I assume, some mildly amusing people.
That is why I want to build a big beautiful wall to keep all the unfunny people out of our country. And do you know who is going to pay for the wall? The unfunny people. Again: Do you know who is going to pay for the wall? That's right, the unfunny people, starting with the cast of Saturday Night Live. Really bad television!
By the way, giving late night shows to so-called comedians Trevor Noah and John Oliver essentially takes so-called comedy jobs away from our country. So-called comedy from so-called comedians from other countries should be subject to a 35% humor tax. And please, let’s pray for the totally unfunny Arnold Schwarzenegger. Did you see him in Kindergarten Cop? Sad!
I actually think it would be great if we had a funny relationship with Russia. Have you ever seen their acrobats? Or Yakov Smirnoff? Or a photo of Putin bare-chested on a horse? Hilarious! But you know what's really funny? Grabbing a woman by the pussy! If you don't believe me, ask Billy Bush.
Still, the world is a very unfunny place and only I know how to make if funny. The unfunny carnage stops here. I am calling for a total and complete ban on unfunny people entering the United States to give our country's humorists time to figure out what's going on.
We will begin by halting immigration for 90 days from seven countries with predominantly unfunny people: North Korea, Chad, United Arab Emirates, Liechtenstein, Ethiopia, Saudi Arabia and Burkina Faso. We don't want them here. Concurrently, for 120 days no Germans will be admitted and they will then be subjected to extreme humor vetting.
Meanwhile, we must rebuild our comedy infrastructure here at home. Chicago is totally out of control. Maybe the Second City people can do something about it, I don't know. Otherwise we may have to send in that clown Chuck Schumer. What the hell have we got to lose?