Tips for Confronting Assholery

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Look, it is not possible to have a civil discussion with a cornered narcissistic, sociopathic asshole with a live microphone. This is not exactly news. 

I recall with great fondness a scene from the movie War of the Worlds. A well-meaning, but thoroughly delusional, pastor decides to start a conversation with the ruthless Martian invaders by reciting a prayer and holding up a cross as he approaches their spaceships. He is instantly disintegrated with a death ray. 

Chris Wallace played the part of the clueless pastor at the first Trump-Biden debate. Instead of with a cross, Wallace stepped forward with a book of rules that Trump had supposedly signed off on. Like the pastor in the movie, he was soon toasted into oblivion.

Joe Biden – and it must be said, it was hard to not feel sorry for him – was more of a bystander than a participant. But of course he was. There is no engaging with Trump, not unless you are stroking his cancerous ego. Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham are expert at that, which is why Trump so thoroughly enjoys their conversations. 

In a political debate, if one candidate starts by saying to their opponent, “Good sir, I strongly disagree with your economic policy and I am going to tell you why,” and their opponent snaps back, “Listen pal, you’re dumber than a hat. And also, you’re a shithead,” the debate is over.

Another movie scene comes to mind, this one from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. King Arthur and his knights arrive at a castle asking for food and shelter. The castle guard, who is French, refuses to engage in polite conversation and shouts, “Go and boil your bottoms. I blow my nose at you. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” When King Arthur politely asks if he can talk with someone else, the castle guard throws a cow at him. At the debate, Biden was King Arthur and Trump had an abundance of cows. 

Understand this: There is no debating Trump, no engaging him in anything resembling fruitful conversation. That is why the debates as currently unregulated are an utter waste of time. A better format would be to lock the candidates in a small room with no furniture for an hour. See what happens. Then, after 15 minutes, drop a dozen squirrels in. Then, after 15 more minutes, introduce a thousand wasps. We’d learn a lot. 

As I have written before, Trump is like a monkey trained by a professor in an old movie to sip demitasse with the upper crust of society. You can put him in a suit and train him to sip his cup in dignified fashion for a short while. But like the monkey in the movie, it is never long before Trump starts howling and instigates a food fight. And then everyone in the scene, or the debate as is was, is evaluated by how they respond to the monkey Trump. It goes without saying, or at least should, that no one is ever more entertaining than an ape swinging from the chandelier and defecating in the caviar. 

Note to Joe Biden: Put an end to this monkey madness. Demand that in the next debate the moderator have the power to turn off the microphone of either candidate. Unless Trump agrees, cancel it. Recognize that there is no value in negotiating with a sewer rat. Spare yourself and spare the country. Sure, Trump and his Republican sycophants will call you a coward and mock you. But they are already doing that and will ever stop. Joe, you don’t have to beat Trump in a debate to beat him in an election.

Just win.